Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bachelorette Week 5: Coach Stephen’s Pep-Talks

Bachelorette Desiree

We’ve reached a semi-important junction in the world of the Bachelorette—there are now only eight eligible suitors left vying for Desiree’s hand.

We’ve reached the Elite 8. If this was a basketball bracket, it would be the quarterfinals. This is serious business.

Along these lines, I feel it my duty to help coach each guy through to the next round. . . whether or not he accepts my help is up to him.

1. Chris:

I put Chris first because I believe he is the front-runner. He got a one-on-one date in Munich and knocked it out of the park. He was sweet, funny, just self-deprecating enough to show Des he wasn’t full of himself (thinking about the “cow” English/German lost in translation moment).

My advice: stay the course, son. You’ve shown yourself to be everything Des wants in a husband. Keep up the poetry.

2. Brooks:

Brooks is in an interesting position: he has gotten a number of individual roses, he kisses Desiree at every chance he gets, and she feels really comfortable around him.

My advice: get out of the friend-box, Brooks. Fast. Desiree feels TOO comfortable around you. I think it was clear she gave you the rose on the group date because you were the safe choice. Take it from Safe-Date-Steve (a high school experience—I grew out of it): destroy the friend box like you wanted to destroy the icy-walls keeping you from Des . . . when she was kissing James.

3. Kasey & 4. Drew:

I address Kasey and Drew together because this week leaves them as a unit faced with an awkward moral dilemma: what should they do about over-hearing the conversation James had with Mikey T.?

My advice: I hate to see these two put in this position. If left out of the drama, they could both cruise to finals-contention—they’ve got much the same vibes as Chris. But what to do about James? On one hand, they could just wait and see if Des cuts him loose in the weeks to come, betting that they’d outlast him. If they don’t, they can always expose him after they’ve been let go. On the other hand, you don’t want to see him take your spot in the future . . .

My final advice: talk to Chris Harrison. The man knows what all went down anyway. I don’t know why the guys don’t utilize his wisdom more often.

5. Zac W:

Crazy-man Zac is right on the cusp of skating into the finals, especially after translating his “naked-man” intro into the thoughtful, always-smiling optimist he seems to be.

My advice: you have to find a way to make a deeper connection, whatever that may be—perhaps help Des understand why you decided not to enter the priesthood, or whether or not faith is still a big part of your life. (Something I’m interested in finding out, btw.) If Des started cutting away dead-weight in the house, you’d be the second one to go . . .

. . . right after #1:

6. Juan-Pablo:

The former professional soccer player (as impressed as I am by that) is the heaviest dead-weight in the house. He barely gets any screen time, and the only thing keeping him around is that he is drama-free . . . which, by the look of things, is making his stock more and more valuable.

My advice: GET SOME SCREEN TIME! Granted, he got the Lone Ranger date a few episodes back, but since then he’s been like that guy who is in the background of every candid yearbook picture, but you can’t remember his name. Juan-Pablo, if you’re going to make your move, make it soon.

7. Michael:

You got a rose. You got rid of Ben. Not sure how you did both . . . so I guess I should congratulate you on that.

My advice: get a really big shovel, my friend, because getting rid of Ben put you in a giant hole and you gotta dig yourself out. I understand controlling the witness on cross-examination, as well as slipping cutting and snide remarks into statements in an effort to influence the jury . . . but this wasn’t a courtroom, and Desiree was partial (at least in part) to the defendant. You succeeded in sending Ben home, but now you’ve got to repair your image. Get to work.

Finally,

8. James:

At the end of this episode, James is in a really good place: Desiree likes him, he’s getting roses, and he feels confident about his chances moving forward.

(but then I saw the preview for next week . . . )

My advice: Find a way to leave the show gracefully—because Kasey and Drew are going to call you out. Whether or not you meant what you said to Mikey T. in the limo, you’re going to be held to task about “becoming the Bachelor,” and there’s no good ending for you on the show. Save as much face as you can, because that way when you get back to Chicago, you’ll still be desirable enough for women to want to go out on Mikey T’s boat with you.

(To the guys who left the show tonight:

Bryden:

I hope you find what you’re looking for man. I think Desiree could’ve fallen for you in the end. Good luck.

Ben:

You did a good job keeping your cool on the “Hot-Tug” and then again at dinner, but Michael ruined your chances in the end.

It wouldn’t have worked out anyway—guys need to get along in the house or it spells trouble.  I’m glad you get to see your son again, albeit sooner than you had planned.

Mikey T.:

I need to say it—you had a great attitude (almost) the entire time you were on the show. Keep on keepin’ on, ‘cause James is going to call you when he gets home.)

Rachel’s top three now:

 

7 comments:

  1. I think Zak needs to show Des a more 'cool & funny' sort of vibe, I think she gets the romance part of him and doesn't want to hurt him-thus he is still here. I don't think he'll make it past the semi-finals though, lol. I am eager to find out how the James thing turns out! Great recap! :)

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  2. Ive never seen this show but you make it sound really interesting!

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  3. haha this is hilarious!! i think my advice to bryden is figure out if you want to travel all the way to europe realize that you don't want to stay on the show before flying all the way there. and brooks yes i agree out of the friendly cordial stage

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  4. Cute blog! I love your coaching advice! I like your pics for the final three. MIne are Brooks and Zak and Juan Pablo, just cause i love him!

    Everything Erica Loves

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  5. Kasey & Drew in your top 3?? Wow, I'm shocked!
    I don't see those two making it to the final at all. Chris is obviously going to be in the top 2...I think it's going to be him and Brooks. James needs to go...such a dummy.

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  6. Chris is more and more seeming like mr. right. He is just so sweet and charming. And I'm super happy to see Ben go. I felt a little bad and then...something about being the next bachelor, when can he talk to the press, and where are they getting drunk tonight?! Ugh, so glad he is finally out of there. Michael also rubbed me the wrong way. He seems so intense and eager to start drama. Good recap!

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  7. haha I LOVE your recap.

    p.s. I really want to go hot tugging!!

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Thank you so much for your comments! I enjoy reading each one, and if you ask me a question, I will respond below it :) Thanks again!!

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