Thursday, March 10, 2016

Miscarriage, the post I never wanted to write.


On Valentine's Day, Steve and I found out that we were expecting our third sweet baby. We had been trying for six months, and the positive pregnancy test felt like the prize at the end of the race. We held onto our precious secret, and we started to dream and envision our lives with a new baby in October.

With each pregnancy, we've been aware of the possibility of miscarriage. We've waited on the edge of our seats for that first ultrasound--to see that there indeed is a healthy baby in there with a steady heartbeat. This time was no different, yet after two near-perfect pregnancies, we didn't have much reason to doubt that this one would be fine, too.

But on Sunday evening the 28th, I started bleeding, and by early Monday morning, I knew that our precious little baby wasn't going to make it. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. All of the joy that I had experienced in the past couple of weeks was gone in just a matter of a few moments. And in its place was a grief like I'd never felt before.

On Tuesday afternoon (March 1st), as I held the tiniest baby in the palm of my hand, I felt a sense of peace to be able to see him and know that he had been real. He was only about an inch long, but he was undeniably a baby, and we marveled at God's design of him. (Obviously, we didn't know he was a boy, but it's easier for me to think so.)

And then came all of the questions. . . Was it something I did? Was I too stressed? Did I drink too much coffee? Did the baby have the wrong mix of chromosomes? Could I have prevented this? What if this happens again?  And somehow I have to let all of those questions go because I will never get the explanation that I am looking for.

I cry when I think about how I would be 8 weeks along right now if he had lived. And I ache when I think that the tiny baby who is supposed to be inside of me is deep in the ground instead. 

Every day gets a little easier, and I credit that to the special people who have been praying for us in the last week. I am lucky to have two little boys who distract me and keep me from dwelling on my sadness. And I am extra blessed to have a husband who makes me laugh, and who holds me while we watch comedies on TV at night to keep our minds off of it.

A few years ago, my Uncle John, a pastor in Omaha told me, "Shit happens. And then God goes to work to redeem it."

I believe that. God didn't want this to happen to our little baby. What breaks my heart also breaks His heart. Steve and I can't see the future right now. He has big, GOOD plans for us. He will redeem this. And someday, we will look back and see His hand at work. We will see that He was with us in our sadness. And He will be with us in our joy. I have hope that this is not the end of our baby story.



One of the songs that I've been listening to is Jars of Clay's "The Valley Song":


"When death, like a gypsy, comes to steal what I love,
I will still look to the heavens. I will still seek Your face.
But I fear You aren't listening because there are no words,
Just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that assures.
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy. . .
Though the pain is an ocean tossing us around, around, around,
You have calmed greater waters,
Higher mountains have come down." 


23 comments:

  1. My heart breaks for you. But I agree that God has amazing plans for your family. Please know that you're in my prayers.

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  2. Oh Rachel....I am just SO very sorry to read this. So sorry. I've suffered this same heartbreaking loss myself, and the loss of what might have been can be so complicated. Praying for you and Steve during this time, and for healing and peace. I know words may fail, but God's love doesn't.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear this - I've also encountered a miscarriage and it is not easy. I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts!

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  4. Oh Rachel, I am so sorry... You and Steve and your precious baby are in my prayers.

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  5. I am so sorry. May the God of all comfort surround you and your family. He said your latter WILL BE greater. Remember that. He is faithful to complete the work He's started in you and your family!

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  6. I'm so sorry for your loss, Rachel. Praying for peace for you and Steve and wishing you the best as you work to expand your family.

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  7. So sorry, Rachel. It has been almost five years since my miscarriage and it's always a date that I stop and reflect upon as it passes each year. I agree with you - God DOESN'T wish sorrow into our lives, but yet He promises to carry us through it. "God had a bigger plan" isn't what needs to be said in times like this, but it is what you hear often from those who don't know what to say. I know. Instead I will say, "God is still good, and God will NOT leave you in your sadness, but will join with you there." Prayers for you and your precious family. xo

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  8. Grieving with you, dear Rachel. The verses I clung to when my three little babes left my womb for heaven - Isaiah 43:1-2. Praying these for you now, that you might know the Peace of Christ anew, even in the pain. Love to you. And if you ever want to talk (or listen to another mama's stories), I am here.

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  9. I'm so sorry Rachel and Steve. You are in my prayers.

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  10. I just love what your Uncle John said :) And I believe your story of redemption will be so incredibly beautiful, friend! Sending extra love and hugs from Virginia! xo

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  11. Oh Rachel. I'm sorry. I know that unspeakable hurt. I'm glad you are blogging about it- that will help you more than you realize. If you ever want to talk, I'd be more than happy to listen. So sorry for your loss.

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  12. I am so very sorry, Rachel! Praying for you and your family! "And we know that God works all things together for good for those who have been called according to His plan." Romans 8:28

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  13. I'm so sorry to hear this. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. <3

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  14. SO sorry my dear that you had to go through this! I really feel for you :-(

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  15. So sorry for your families loss Rachel. It takes a lot of strength to post this and open up about this topic because not many people will. I am happy you have found a positive side to your experience and by keeping that attitude great things will happen. I try to remember, "positive thoughts, positive results". I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  16. My sweet friend! I am so sorry to hear this news but know that this story is the same for more mamas than we realize and you have kindred hearts nearby. Prayers for your journey through this story of faith. And hugs from a kindred heart.

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  17. Oh Rachel, my heart breaks for you and Steve as you walk through this valley. I am currently doing an Angie Smith Bible study with my small group and I was reading through her website just last night. Her and her husband, Todd (he's in the band "Selah") lost their little girl in 2008 due to complications. I absolutely love Angie (I'll actually see her speak next week!) but I just love her heart and how open and honest she is with the pain of walking through that time. I was just watching a video about her book she wrote from that experience called "I will Carry You." I have not read it, but am planning on it. Maybe it will bring you some comfort during this season.

    http://www.amazon.com/Will-Carry-You-Sacred-Dance/dp/080546428X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1457643920&sr=8-1&keywords=I+will+Carry+You+by+Angie+Smith

    Know that you and Steve are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs,
    Anneli

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  18. You are not alone... so many of us have gone through this, myself included. After 2 miscarriages I thought I would never have children. But then we decided to try one more time, and now I have 2 beautiful boys. Praying for you.

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  19. Rachel, I am so so sorry!! My heart breaks for y'all...y'all will be in our hearts and prayers! I can not wait to watch God make his beauty out of this for y'all. I know he hurts just as much as y'all do about this, but I know he has plans for y'all and great ones sweet friend!!!

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  20. Praying for you! I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Already, you have such a positive outlook. Reread your own words when you are feeling down. <3

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  21. Rachel, praying for you as you grieve <3 I've been through a miscarriage as well & it is SO incredibly heart breaking. I trust that God will work through this loss (I love that quote from your uncle!), but in the midst of the suffering it can just be SO hard. Praying for comfort, healing, and hope during this time.

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  22. So sorry for your loss, Rachel. My heart hurts for you and I'm thinking about you all and praying for you!

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Thank you so much for your comments! I enjoy reading each one, and if you ask me a question, I will respond below it :) Thanks again!!

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